I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
