P.S. I can't hear my feet
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
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Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
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I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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