I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just pynch a tree in the face
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
