dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
