How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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