I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
