The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just gift wrapped bread.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
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Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
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I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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