I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
