i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.