Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college