Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
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Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
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I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"