you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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