Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
