Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
