Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
