i was born a porn star she said
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
