I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
