Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
