Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
