She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
