Can i not drive my cunt home
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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