there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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