She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
