I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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