my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
