Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE