I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
