If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
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