i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
