fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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