You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
