I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
