well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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