i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
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I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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