woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
