maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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