I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
