I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
