You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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