have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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