I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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