I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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