I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She bit a glass in half.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
