and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
