And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
