I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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