every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
