I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
