Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
