Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
