So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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