I think I won the penis lottery.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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