so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
