Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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