i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
