I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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