She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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